


Don’t Touch My Shit

by Me (Welp_I_tried_my_best)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Fluffy, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I dont know where this is going but I have ideas, Logan and Virgil are sassy, Sympathetic Deceit, Sympathetic Remus, a hint of angst, patton is a puffball, sympathetic dark sides
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:55:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22354663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welp_I_tried_my_best/pseuds/Me
Summary: Roman is dared to steal Deciet’s hat.Set before Are there Healthy Distractions?
Comments: 40
Kudos: 148





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for Remus being gross and all the weird stuff that comes with Remus.

Roman glanced behind him, were those footsteps? No just his own imagination. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the Dark Sides’ mind palace and he could just make out the empty corridor in front of him. 

He took a deep breath to steal his nerves and continued on, trying not to think about all the horrible creatures his brother might have conjured and then left to roam around. He was starting to think this was a bad idea but he was a Gryffindor to the heart and could never back down from a dare.

He spun round when he felt a tentacle wrapping round his ankle. However he could see nothing and could only feel the pressure on his ankle tightening slowly.

***A few hours earlier***

“Truth or dare!” Exclaimed Roman happily.

“Ooo yay good choice Roman! Are you sure you’ll _dare_ to answer my truths?” Patton grinned proudly as Logan groaned and used his hard-back book to hit himself over the head with at the terrible pun. Virgil watched Logan worriedly.

“Careful Logan that could, like, actually hurt you.”

“Yes I’m aware of this why did you think I was hitting myself with it?”

It was Friday night and a tradition of the Light Sides’ was to watch a movie together (usually a Disney movie or else Roman sulked) and then they took turns each week to choose a game to play afterwards. Tonight it had been Roman’s choice.

“What is with your love of rhetorical questions lately, nerd?” Asked Roman, confused.

“Was that an intellectual use of technical terms I just heard?”

“See there he goes again.”

“Ahem, guys you’re getting off track, truth or dare, remember?”

“Look now you’ve infected Virgil!”

“Correction, that was more of a sassy comment”

“Oh well done, Logan! No vocabulary cards!” Patton clapped his hands in excitement.

“Yes, I’ve been studying”

Virgil snapped his fingers “oh my god guys, this is like herding cats. Truth or dare.”

Roman perked up “oh yeah!” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Ok, I shall go first my dear companions! Logan! Truth or dare?”

“Truth”

“Hmm ok then...oh I know, what was the strongest emotions you’ve felt in your life?”

“I’ve never felt anything”

“Come on, Logan, you have to answer us!”

“Please Logan?” Patton looked over at him with big eyes.

“Ok fine. I suppose, that my first taste of Crofters was the closest thing I’ve ever felt to love”

“‘Closest thinks I’ve felt to love’? And I’m supposed to be the edgy one?” Muttered Virgil.

Logan adjusted his glasses and turned to Virgil “Okay then, Virgil, truth or dare?”

“No”

“Virgil” said Patton warningly

“Truth then I guess, whatever”

“How did you learn to do your eyeshadow?”

“I.. umm I taught myself”

That sounded like a falsehood but Logan decided to ignore it, it wasn’t his place to pry.

“Patton, truth or dare?” Said Virgil without enthusiasm.

“Oo I dunno kiddo. Einy meanie miny mo,” said Patton closing his eyes, “truth!”

Virgil smiled sinisterly and Patton looked slightly nervous.

“If you had to pick a favourite plushies of yours, who would it be?”

Patton gasped. He had about 50 plushies and treated them like his own children. Accordingly he hated to pick favourites. He stared pleadingly at Virgil who smirked back at him.

“If I had to- and it’s by a tincy tiny margin- I would probably choose my Eeyore.”

Patton took a deep breath then turned to Roman, “okay kiddo, truth or dare?”

“Dare! A brave Prince, such as myself, will not cower before anything you could throw at me.”

“Will you cower if I through this book at you?” Muttered Logan sarcastically to Virgil, who snickered appreciatively.

“Ummm...ummmmm....uhhhhhh...hmmmmm..wow this is a toughie!”

“Need help?” Asked Virgil lazily.

“Yeah sure! We can all come up with a dare for Roman!”

“Okay, is there a formula for the perfect dare, Virgil, I think you were lecturing me about this earlier?”

“You were listening? Wow. Uh yeah, what you do is look at the core principles of the person and then make them go against them. So, what are the code principles of Roman?”

“Egotism?”

“HEY” Roman objected indignantly.

“True but that’s too easy, what’s he always going on about?”

“Defending the helpless and being valiant! Like the noble prince he is!”

“Aha I have it! So he likes to defend the helpless and he does so by attacking the powerful. How about we get him as close as possible to a fight and then make him walk away from it?”

***present***

Which is how Roman ended up being dared to steal Deceit’s iconic bowler hat. Fun.

Roman flailed wildly as he was hoisted into the air by his ankle. He heard demonic cackling from the shadows and reached for his sword. When Remus emerged from the darkness he had a glint of green in his eyes and his head was thrown back in laughter.

The tentacles sprouting from his back were dark green on the back and lighter green on the inside with large slimy puckers all along the length. Apart from the one wrapped around Roman’s ankle the others wandered around feeling the ground and walls, as if they had a mind of their own.

Roman pointed his sword at Remus, “Put me down you foul demon!” He whisper-yelled, he was still trying to be sneaky after all.

Remus ignored that and yelled back “WELL HELLO THERE BROTHER DEAREST AND WHAT MIGHT YOU BE DOING ROUND HERE?”

“Shut up! Speak quietly!”

This was the wrong thing to say as Remus immediately latched onto the fact that Roman was trying to be quiet and therefore tried his best to disrupt his wish (as a sibling, especially a twin, it was obligatory to be as much of a nuisance as possible and that obligation was one of the few things Remus took seriously).

“TRYING TO BE QUIET ARE YOU BROTHER MINE? TRYING NOT TO LET SOMEONE KNOW YOU’RE HERE? WELL GOLLY GOSH WHO MIGHT THAT BE?” Remus stroked his moustache mock pensively and then suddenly brightened up and put his finger in the air as if coming to a realisation “OH MIGHT IT BE DECEIT? COULD IT POSSIBLY BE OUR FAVOURITE SNAKEY SLIMY DOUBLE-D??!?”

Roman was panicking slightly. If Remus summoned Deceit then not only would he be unable to complete the dare but it would be incredibly embarrassing and Roman didn’t think Deceit would take kindly to being the victim of a failed prank and would never let Roman live it down. 

“If you let me go and don’t tell Deceit I was here I’ll let you give an idea to Thomas without censoring it!”

Remus looked slightly taken aback (Roman would have laughed if he hadn’t been so nervous as that was rare to see)

“You... You mean that?”

“Only if you let me go”

Remus’ eyes narrowed but the grip on Roman’s ankle loosened and Roman fell on his head in an undignified heap. 

“Fine, pinky promise”

“Invoking high powers”

With a smile a little too wide Remus said “exactly” as he looked Roman in the eyes. Roman studied Remus as they shook pinkies and saw that there was relief in his eyes and he had a small smile on his face. 

“Ok bye bye then, see you around” Remus’ body slowly faded leaving his demented grin hanging in the air like the Cheshire cat’s, which then faded in turn. 

Roman stood staring at the spot where is twin brother had disappeared for a moment then shook himself and turned to carry on with his quest (technically a dare but quest sounded cooler).

*** 

Several more minutes of searching led Roman to a black door covered with yellow swirls that seemed to have no end. Deceit’s logo was embossed in the middle and when Roman looked away he thought he saw the tongues moving out of the corner of his eye. However when he looked back they were still. 

He crouched down and peeked through the keyhole (why Deceit’s door had a keyhole he had no idea). From his, admittedly limited view he could see a large, surprisingly messy desk with a large straight-backed chair sitting haphazardly beside it. The edge of a large four poster bed covered in black satin covers with plush, yellow pillows discarded in a pile at the top also happened to be in sight. 

At the far end of his vision Roman could see another door it was slightly open and he could see electric light spilling out of it. 

_Hmm I wonder what kind of room that? An entrance to a secret lair? A booby trapped room for intruders to go into? A room containing a fearsome beast-_

The sound of a shower turning on interrupted Roman’s thoughts and his shoulders slumped as he released it was simply a bathroom. Luckily however this meant that Deceit would be distracted. 

Roman pushed the door open. His ears, hyper alert, picked up the sound of it brushing against the thick carpet and he winced. Deceit didn’t notice and Roman took this as a sign to continue into the room. 

He scoured the bedroom looking for Deceit’s hat. He saw his cape tossed carelessly over the back of the chair. As he looked round he noticed a previously unnoticed black chest of draws in the corner of the room. As he crept over to it he saw picture frames on the top.

The larger one contained a picture of Remus, Virgil and Deceit with their arms slung round each other and big, happy grins on their faces. The second showed Deceit sitting on the sofa with a slightly younger Virgil sitting next to him proudly showing his black checkered hoodie to the camera. Deceit had a small proud and Virgil was grinning widely.

Roman glanced over the pictures before noticing Deceit’s bowler hat flung next to the pictures and had to stop himself from loudly proclaiming ‘Aha’ as that just might give the game away. He snatched the hat and took one last look around the room. He heard the shower turning off and quickly sunk down back to the Light Sides’ mind palace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll probably add more but only if y’all are interested. Sorry for any mistakes it 1am and I have school tomorrow. Please leave kudos and comment (bcs the human interaction will make me feel like a person again) lmao. Thx for reading love ya baii❤️❤️❤️


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus is gross. And I didn’t proof read this

The light seeping under the door and the sound of furious scribbling coming from inside the room was enough to tell an onlooker that one of the Creative Twins were working. The question was which one? This was answered as a high pitched voice exclaimed

“Well, fuck me hard with a chainsaw. I cannot do this.”

The sound of a piece of paper hitting the floor soon followed and then the scribbling carried on.

“Hmm, that could work. No? Yes? No? Yes? No?”

A thump sounded. Then another. Then another. Then ano-

If the onlooker (presumably the reader, that is, you) where to step inside the room they would see Remus. Not hitting his head against a desk or a pad of paper as you had probably guessed, but throwing knives at the dart board he had hung on the wall. The dartboard had had many things thrown at it including: Remus’ morning star; several no-longer-potted cacti; a few lightbulbs (you could see the glass lying around the area); a cannonball and once Remus designed a catapult to launch himself at it. So anything other darts had probably been thrown at this board.

The throwing knifes were quite tame but that was because he trying to get into his brother’s head and that meant, regrettably, no catapults.  
Remus was trying to employ a trick of Virgil’s: empathy. To work out what would work the best against his brother he had to put himself in the shoes, even if they were stinky, of his brother. The problem was the had a few key differences. For example: Remus was demented and Roman was not. 

This meant that when Remus thought of ‘getting into his brother’s head’ he didn’t try to imagine what his brother was like at his essential core. Instead he imagined himself grabbing a knife and using it to peel Roman skin back, layer by layer, there would be blood and most likely screaming and the when he got down to the white, white bone-

So that wasn’t working.

He gave up on that idea.

Aha! He could do something symbolic, like, to signify his pain and loneliness at being a abandoned by his very own twin brother and kicked out of the Light Sides group and having only two people who only just tolerated him. Then one of of those people left him and the other fell apart in grief and guilt and- 

That might not have been the best idea either.

He supposed he could try use this as a way to make up with his brother. Do something nice for him. 

Thinking of ideas was hard when you knew they were going to be listened to. Focusing on one idea long enough to develop it was also difficult.

A knock on the door.

“Nope. Unless it’s a murderer with a bloody chainsaw come to murder me go away.”

“Unfortunately I don’t have a chainsaw but I can still murder you.” Said Deceit has he shoved the door open with his hip, his hands full with a tray of breakfast food.

“What it’s morning?”

Deceit rolled his eyes, “_yes_, these are midnight snacks but breakfast food tastes good.”

The food did smell tempting however...

“Nope I’m not gonna eat until I’ve come up with an idea”

“Well I’m sure that 68 disgusting ideas just went through your head so that’s fine”

“Make that 69” snickered Remus.

“See”

“To be fair you definitely set that up”

Deceit studied his nails “moving on. You still have to eat something”

“Maybe I’ll have some dog shit”

“The fact that that’s something you would only slightly concerns me”

“Awwwww love you too, Dee”

“Don’t call me that. Anyway I can’t be bothered to argue so I’ll leave this here.” Deceit placed the tray on top of the empty notebook Remus had been looking at then walked away. As he was about to leave he asked “oh and by the way have you seen my hat?”

“Nopeeeeee”

“Not suspicious at all, what did you do with it?”

“_I_ did nothing with it.”

“You better give it back soon I need it for my aesthetic”

“Ok”

Deceit narrowed his eyes at Remus and flipped him off as he walked out.

Aaaaand back to the drawing board. Or rather dart board.

Goooood this was hard.

Well actually...maybe that rant had been going somewhere. Symbolism. What can be a symbol of loneliness and pain? A weapon (preferably a bloody one)? Nah, too much like his logo. A broken heart? Too cliché. And that was all he could think of cuz his brain was going on side tracks again. 

What does Roman like? Dramatic acts of chivalry. Ew (that was the first time he had used that word). Musicals. Too much effort. Disney? Disney. Yeah Disney could work. 

A Disney movie for pain and loneliness and maybe a bit of feeling rejected and unloved. FROZEN! The perfect idea. This will work.

***

Meanwhile Deceit wandered slowly back to his room. 

Where the hell could the hat be? He hadn’t sensed any lies from Remus which was weird seeing as if something happened that annoyed Deceit it would normally be Remus’ doing. However Remus was also incredibly blunt so Deceit supposed his word could be trusted.

The Light Sides stayed away from the Dark Sides so that ruled them out. And there was no one else around so he really had no idea.

Goddamit this was a nuisance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t know where I was going with this chapter so it kinda meanders and stops suddenly but I would just panic if I didn’t post it so yeah.
> 
> Leave kudos and a comment if y’all feel like it❤️❤️❤️


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are some yucky descriptions in this (I kinda freaked myself out writing them but I’m a wimp so whatever). Swearing at the end. Yelling also at the end but it’s not really that serious.

Deceit was sulking. Right now everybody else was up filming a video, even Remus. Well, Remus was more lying naked behind the sofa and annoying everyone. It still hurt though.

Why would Remus want to spend more time with those damned Light Sides? It was probably because his idea was actually being used. True Roman (with the help of Logan) had managed to tone it down by not putting it in the actual Sanders Sides series and editing out the more graphic bits. However Remus had seemed more smug over the fact that he technically had his own series created so that had back fired, which had amused Deceit no end, he loved when plans back fired (except for his own, obviously). That was until Remus had decided to go join in. 

Leaving Deceit by himself. Sulking. Or skulking. Yeah that made him sound more sinister so that worked.

He supposed he should be used to that, what with him being the villain and everything but when the villain loses his side kick then it just wasn’t much fun. <strike>He’d technically already lost one side kick. Permanently.</strike> But we weren’t going to think about that.

Furthermore how the hell was he meant to skulk properly if he didn’t have his hat? True there hasn’t exactly been lessons on skulking but he was pretty sure the evil look was a must have. And his hat was a must have in his evil look.

While he had been pondering the technicalities of being a proper Disney villain he had accidentally wondered into the imagination. Specifically Remus’ sides. Which was a mistake.

Back in the old days it hadn’t been too bad. In fact it had been great. Even Virgil had cracked a smile upon entering it. But that’s was because it had been ruled by the King. However when he had split into the two brothers so had the imagination. 

Roman’s side was beautiful, a true fairytale land. Perfect weather; perfect welcoming background characters; perfect ruler. However it wasn’t interesting. The same things repeated everyday. There was no drama. The sun shone too brightly; the background character couldn’t hold a conversation much deeper than talking about said weather and how great it was and how fair and noble their mighty ruler, Prince Roman, was.

As fake as Roman’s side was it wasn’t nearly as bad as Remus’. There the rot was hidden away but here it just screamed at you. Loudly.

The trees bent and whispered to each other as you walked past. There was no sun, no blue sky, no people. The only things that lived here were monstrosities. Huge deformed monsters that towered over and would crush you if you weren’t careful. Microscopic bugs that crawled in through your pores and laid their eggs inside of you. You could see the unfortunate victims of this wondering round with gaping holes and larva squirming on their skin, lifeless zombies. 

Luckily the sides were under protection (Deceit had made that rule, he was self preservation after all) but that didn’t make it any less gross.

Deceit’s lip wrinkled and the smell of decay and rot filled his nose. He turned abruptly to leave but found the way blocked by a corpse. Not a corpse lying on the road but standing in front of him. It’s head was hanging at an unnatural angle and it’s eyes were wide open, staring at something Deceit couldn’t see.

Deceit sighed. 

“Hi Travis, move.”

“_Ignorant fooooool. You think you can leave?_“ It groaned and threw it’s head back (too far back but he looked like he had been hung so we’ll give him a break).

“I know I can leave. So move. I have places to be”

It stopped laughing abruptly and stared into Deceit’s eyes. “_You can’t see what’s in front of you. You can’t see the truuuuuuth. You need to see the truth or else you will dieeeeeeee_“

“Well that’s ironic seeing as I can sense lies. Honestly Travis you need to pick better vague threats, it’s disappointing, I’ll give you some tips late if you like though. Anyway speaking of seeing the truth, I know for a fact you died from food poisoning from a plate of stale shrimps but you put on glamour to act like you were hung because that’s more glamorous. So go away”

The corpse glared at him. Then it’s skin bubbled and it transformed into a a middle-aged man dressed in a white button down and wearing black trousers. 

“Goddammit Deceit I have a reputation, you know”

”Yes but seeing as the only other intelligent life form around here is Remus, and I say intelligent in the loosest possible term, then it’s not much of a reputation.”

”Well I’m working on building up a reputation.”

”It would be going better if you didn’t sound like a whiny toddler but sure.”

”You’re no fun” he said, pouting.

”Depends on your definition of ’fun’. Anyway, as I said before, I have places to be so leave me alone.” Travis perked up, looking interested ”no I’m not telling you where I’m going” He looked disappointed but gave up and dissolved into a pile of rotting flesh.

Deceit rolled his eyes. Travis was almost as dramatic as his boss. To fair though it probably wouldn’t have done anyone any harm to tell Travis he was looking for his hat but Deceit’s favourite purpose in life was to be an asshole so it was fun.

He stepped daintily over the unpleasant pile on the ground and walked back to the gloomy corridors of the Dark Sides’ mind palace.

***

Remus was having fun. Sure he wasn’t getting as much input into the video as he had in the last one (an entire 45 minutes dedicated to him, wondrous) but he was there.

He felt kind of bad about leaving Deceit behind but he probably wouldn’t want Remus around to annoy him anyway.

He was also enjoying the emotional turmoil hanging around Virgil and Thomas. It was quite funny as obviously Thomas should just have squashed the friend into the ground and then stomped on him and that would have solved all of his problems. But the snappy comeback was fine seeing as Thomas wouldn’t be charged for murder (less fun but that meant Remus had more time to plan for murders in the future so it wasn’t all bad).

Oh well he still got his video idea so that was fun. He wasn’t really paying attention as Roman pretended to draw the votes but he happened to glance over and see it was a certain someone’s bowler hat. 

_Oooo very bold, brother mine. Let’s see how long it takes Deceit to notice_ he giggled gleefully to himself and settled down to wait. (With the occasional dirty joke and annoying suggestion of course).

A while later and the video was coming to an end and he was beginning to think Deceit wouldn’t show up.

Just as he had the thought he saw Roman picking up the hat again and sat up excitedly.

”I think we need a more active distraction that Thomas can really think about and focus on” said Logan

”Should we vote on what to do next?” asked Roman holding the hat up.

As he did so Remus saw Deceit appear in the corner of the room. He looked around and spotted Roman holding his hat and he gritted his teeth in annoyance. He stormed across to Roman and snatched the hat away from him.

”GAH I was looking for thissss” he hissed.

Virgil looked up and hissed loudly but Deceit was too annoyed to even look at him.

”Don’t touch my sssshit!” scolded Deceit. (Looking like a lot like Patton when he told off a side, but Remus decided if he mentioned that he would definitely he punched).

Remus grinned widely. He hadn’t seen Deceit this annoyed since....he woke him up with a water bomb that morning. But that wasn’t the point. It was still hilarious. 

Deceit stalked off angrily pulling his hat onto his head before disappearing as suddenly as he arrived.

There was silence for a moment before Roman shrugged and carried on. 

Remus listened as his brother described his re-write idea.

”Eh not my kind of fanfiction, I’m off to bed,” then deciding that was too tame he added “in the BUFF.“

He appeared back in the mind palace, as he had promised, completely naked and knocked loudly on Deceit’s door and kicking it in without waiting for an answer. Which was not a pleasant sight for Deceit as he glanced over from his bed.

”FUCKING HELL REMUS PUT SOME FUCKING CLOTHES ON” he screamed hiding his eyes.

”I don’t see why, we have the same body.”

”That’s not the fucking point”

”Fineeee” he snapped his fingers and a pair of boxers appeared, pulled over his head. ”there”

“Properly” groaned Deceit.

Remus giggled but did as Deceit asked and his normal outfit appeared.

“Hey did you know you looked like Patton does when he tells off the light sides when you were yelling at Roman.”

*a few moments later*

So it turned out Remus had been correct when he predicted Deceit would punch him if he said that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look. I’m alive. You wouldn’t believe it looking at the last time I posted but I’m lazy. I kinda forced myself to write the first few paragraphs ages ago then gave up for ages. Then came back and wrote all this in about and hour and a half so that’s fun. It turned out longer than I expected.  
Also I decided that this is it bcs oh god I’m so unmotivated to write it’s actually funny sometimes


End file.
